Planes, Trains, and the German Woman in Seat 54C

The highlight of international travel is the flying. This is especially true if you are lucky enough to find yourself in economy class, and even more true if your flight features "complications" of any sort. During my flight from SFO to Frankfurt, I took notes in a moleskine in order to keep my mind sharp so I wouldn't miss a single round of drink service.

The flight attendant wrapped up her English version of the pre-flight announcements. "...and congregating near the cockpit lavatory will not be permitted. We will do our best to make this a pleasant flight to Frankfurt," she says, only half-heartedly. It's a bad sign when the flight attendants give up on the "pleasant flight" idea even before takeoff. We hadn't even had a chance to experience any complications at that point. All I'm saying is that I would have appreciated some false enthusiasm.

Soon after takeoff, I began to wonder what sort of "Code of Economy Class Air Travel" Larry David would come up with. But, since he certainly doesn't fly economy, I decided that I get to devise the Code. Over the next hour or so (we'll call it Hour 1), I was surprised at how little I was able to come up with. I think I was caught up in what I have determined to be the single most significant part of the Code. Of course, I am referring to the rules and regulations surrounding the use of the seat's reclining function.

This is a complicated subject. At first, I was determined that reclining should be entirely prohibited. In fact, my notes contain very explicit thoughts on this subject. "Though the function exists," I wrote, "it should NEVER be exercised."

At this point, I realized that the concocting of an economy class code of conduct could wait. The more pressing question was whether or not I was at risk of being victimized by the woman in front of me (we'll call her 54C). After all, my fate was entirely in her hands. So, I took to analyzing 54C to try to get a sense of how likely she was to recline during the flight.

"2:45 PM Pacific Standard Time: 30 minutes into the flight, the woman to my front and left has leaned her seat back. My neighbor, 55B, is clearly defeated." At that moment, I knew that the Code must define a minimum length of time after takeoff before one may recline.

For flights under 2.5 hours, no reclining shall be allowed under any circumstances.

For flights between 2.5 and 6 hours, a passenger must wait at leat 1.5 hours before reclining.

For flights in excess of 6 hours, a passenger must wait 2 hours before reclining.

I think that's about right.

"3:55 PM PST: 54C stands to adjust the direction of the air nozzle. She wears glasses. About 60 years old. Again, she stands up to put small jacket into overhead bin. Is thwarted by flight attendant, who was walking backwards with the hospitality cart and bumped into 54C. Undeterred, 54C stands again and completes her task. German accent detected. Seems very pleasant. She has seen me, and we have made eye contact. Thus, she knows that I am 6'4", 280 lbs. The eye contact quadruples reclining guilt in normal humans. Maybe triples it for Germans."

"3:07 PM PST: She spurns the beef and orders the pasta. In solidarity, I do the same."

At this point, it occurred to me that the new TSA regulations benefit those who tend to recline.

"Perhaps most importantly, 54C must know that I have no liquids in excess of 3 oz. This works against me, as it allows her the comfort of knowing that, should she recline and anger me, I can dump no more than 3 oz. of toothpaste on her head in retaliation." I have been stripped of my defenses, and it is not a good feeling.

That was my last note. After that, I implemented the David Puddy technique for air travel. It worked for a while. Eventually, however, 54C DID recline. This was probably about 3 hours into the flight. I guess she isn't affected by moral guilt the same way I am.